Back at it again

I've been sitting here trying to think what to type but all I can say is i'm back at it again. The last few months since the miscarriage have been pretty rough. My mental/emotional state the last few months was not a good state for me. I know physical fitness is important but the last few months my mental fitness has been most important and mentally I don't think I could have handled trying to push myself physically. I hope that makes sense. I am planning to write more about my last few months later today in my other blog, Letters to Ellie.
I am back now to my pre-Ellie weight, which is about 10 pounds more than my post-Ellie weight. Go figure. My first goal is to lose about 30 pounds. I think that's a good starting goal. My doctor did mention that losing even 30 pounds will greatly increase my chances for getting pregnant and having a healthier pregnancy. I have hypertension and I have a history of diabetes in my family. I am terrified of getting diabetes and having gestational diabetes was a bit of a wakeup call for me. It scared me straight. I have made some changes in my life but I have a lot more I can do.
This last week I went to girl's camp and it was made clear to me once again how out of shape I was. We had to go up these stairs every time we came back from the bathroom and it really wasn't that long but I was the only one who had a hard time with it. The first time I did it I thought I was going to die. I couldn't breathe. It got easier the more I did it but it shouldn't have been that hard. I found myself not doing as much with the girls because I was so tired. I thought about what it would be like if I had kids and how bad I would feel if I couldn't run around and play with them.
So, today, my first day off track I went on a walk. I walked for 40 minutes. I have no idea how far it was though. I usually average around a 14-15 minute mile so I figure I went almost 3 miles. I'm going to try to do that same route every day. I haven't decided if i'm going to try to add on distance to the route or if i'm going to try to jog parts of it. At this point I don't really know what is most beneficial for me. I'm also tracking everything I eat on an app I downloaded.
I really appreciate when people want to work out with me but i'm really a solo exerciser. Maybe that will change when i'm fitter but right now I like to figure out on my own what works for me. I like putting my music on and just going by myself. Walking occasionally with Bobby is fine but really I prefer just to go by myself.
That's pretty much all I can think to write about right now. I hope to be better now at updating my blogs. As far as the getting pregnant thing is going, that's really on hold right now. We don't really feel ready to deal with that stress. We don't feel capable of being able to deal with another loss right now and I think we just need some more time before we get going with that. It is getting better. We are way better than we were even a month ago, but not quite there yet. Thanks for all your support everyone!

Cramps from hell

I don't want to get too graphic here but I'm pretty sure this is just a miscarriage now and not an ectopic pregnancy. I have been bleeding pretty heavily today and this evening had the worst cramps I've ever had in my life.it gotsobad I was doped up and still at a pain level 7 or 8. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain but this was almost more than I could bear. Eventually they did go away and now I'm hoping to get some sleep. We will still go to the doc tomorrow just to make sure everything is okay. My mom is also going to come and visitor a few days. It will be nice to have her around and get some Mother's comfort.

Rainbow disaster

Well, I was hoping this weekend to announce our pregnancy but instead I get to announce that our pregnancy is not working out. We were hoping to be able to post our ultrasound picture but the ultrasound on Thursday did not go well. I should have been 9 weeks along but the doctor wasn't able to see anything on the ultrasound. A blood test confirmed that I was pregnant but he wanted me to coming in Saturday morning for another blood test to see if my hormone levels were going up or down. Since it was the weekend I knew I wouldn't get the results until Monday. So, I was looking forward to a great weekend of stressing out about what was going on. My hormone levels were low so it was possible that I just was earlier in the pregnancy than I thought and it was too early to see anything on the ultrasound.

This morning however I started to bleed. I had spotted a little bit all week but this seemed like more. I figured it was pointless and I may as well just skip the blood test today but Bobby convinced me to at least call the doctor's office. I called the answering service and my doctor happened to be on call today. He told me he wanted me to go and do the blood test. So, I went in and did the blood test and he called about an hour later to tell me that my hormone levels have only gone down about 60 points which isn't really enough to confirm that I am having a miscarriage, but if it was a normal pregnancy my hormone levels should have doubled.

So, because of that and because I only bled a little bit this morning then it stopped now he's concerned that I might have an ectopic pregnancy. He told me to rest this weekend and just pay attention to my body. If I feel any sharp pains to go into the hospital immediately. On Monday i'm going to go into the doctor's office again for another blood test and possibly ultrasound to see if it's ectopic and if they can find it. I don't know much about ectopic pregnancies so i'm trying to be positive and hope that my hormone levels will have gone down drastically and he'll be able to diagnose it as a miscarriage.

We are pretty down about the whole thing. We were excited to be pregnant but also scared. This loss less than a year after losing Ellie is really hard. I feel like we've been kicked while we were down. We're pretty discouraged. It felt like such a blessing to be pregnant so soon after trying for only a few months. I felt peace and happiness about. It was wonderful to be able to tell my family on Easter. This sense of dread always hung over me but I always figured it was just nerves from losing Ellie. We will get by. We are doing what we did last time. We went and saw a movie and now Bobby is listening to music and i'm eating some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Please keep us in your prayers. It's going to take some time for us to be ourselves again. Have patience with us.

Week 12

Well, I weighed in a little late. I got busy Easter Sunday and forgot. So, i'm weighing in on Tuesday. I think .6 loss is pretty good considering all the crap I ate this weekend. I let myself kind of indulge. I've got to run off to work this morning so i'll post later but I just wanted to include that update.

10 pounds lost!!!

Woo hoo!! It seems like it's going so slow but I can't remember the last time i've actually lost 10 pounds. I am so proud of myself. It's cool to actually see results. I don't really see much result from week to week but when you add it up it does show progress. I know I still have a long way to go but it's a start and I feel like i'm learning a lot.
I did really well this week. I was a little slow starting working out but I eventually picked it up and worked hard. I look forward to the weather getting better so I can actually walk outside. It will be nice when Bobby and I can go on our walks again through the park. I really enjoyed those times. I do like the consistency of the elliptical though. I can set my time and keep my speed constant. I also like that I can listen to music and read my kindle. I've been going for 45 minutes a day, 5 days a week. I'm going to keep increasing so next week i'll go 50 minutes a day.
Not much has happened with the other part of this journey. We were talking the other day about when I should go to talk to my doctor about fertility. I think i'm going to wait until July when i'm do for my annual check up anyway. I'd like to go earlier but I heard a story about a woman who lost a baby and had to have a c-section too. She got pregnant again and her rainbow baby burrowed through her scar in her uterus and was growing in a bubble outside of her uterus. She had to have an emergency hysterectomy. That is like my worst nightmare. I really want to have a baby but I don't want to push it too soon. I want to lose more weight and I want to heal as much as possible.
I still have small hope that I will get pregnant on our own but not much. We are doing all we can but I'm sure it will take some outside help from a doctor. I'm thinking of going to get an ovulation prediction kit for next month. My period should start today or tomorrow so I guess i'd better go sometime to get it. We will see if that helps me see my ovulation. The temperature thing just isn't working out for me.

Rainbow Party

When I do get pregnant I want to have a rainbow party to celebrate my rainbow baby. I have no idea if this will work but here is a link to a board on pinterest i'm working on http://pinterest.com/anniefaye/rainbows/.

fertility tracker

It's been a while since I've posted about the whole getting pregnant part of this plan. Right now i'm on day 23 of my cycle. My cycles are usually around 34 days so i've got another 10 or eleven days. I've been pretty good at tracking my temperatures this month but it's not very consistent so the fertility tracker i've been using hasn't detected any ovulation this month. I'm thinking about getting and ovulation kit for next month but i've never used on of those before. I would love some advice and experience from anyone who has done that. Is it worth the money?
We are still trying to do this on our own for a few more months. June is our date that we had originally planned on going to talk to the doctor. I had mentioned it to Bobby that I would like to do it earlier but he didn't really react so I don't think it's going to happen. I'd really like to lose that 20 pounds before I go though so I may even wait longer. I've got to really step up my game though. I don't' want to wait longer but I also would love to go to my doctor and show him that i've lost 20 pounds. I'm going to do it! And it's going to be before June! I was telling someone the other day though that i'm glad we had to wait 6 months before we could try because I think we would have rushed into it and it's been good to heal for a while. It's been good to move on. I never thought I would think that.